Joshua Foreman

TIME WITH YOUR CHILD(REN)

Pay attention to how your kids are living at their mom's. Don't interrogate them, but do listen when they volunteer information and follow up. Watch for changes in your kids that might be due to abuse or neglect, such as good grades turning bad.

When Mom is primary residential parent, the buck stops with her; she can (and will) claim credit when things are going well, but she must also take responsibility when things go wrong.

If things go wrong enough, you can move for a major modification to the parenting plan, but "major mods" are hard to win and very expensive. (When I can, I will post an essay on major mods.)

You can increase your residential time with your kids by agreement with Mom, and if this goes on long enough, you can modify the parenting plan to conform to the agreed schedule, so it will be locked in.

How can you get her to agree to more time?

1. First: NEVER miss your scheduled time, not even one minute.

2. ALWAYS accept any extra time offered -- always be available when she needs a free baby-sitter. Divorced moms often want the kids out of the way when they are trying to land a new husband; this is a great time for you to get a lot of extra overnights.

3. NEVER say ANYTHING to ANYBODY (except your lawyer) about wanting to modify the parenting plan so the extra time will be legally enforceable.

4. Be nice to your ex; don't do anything to antagonize her. Be supportive, say nice things. Women love presents, even little ones.

5. Pay every cent of your court-ordered child support. Mom will appreciate this, and the courts see this as evidence of you being a loving and caring parent (even when YOU know darn well that she is spending every cent on herself).

6. Keep a DETAILED journal of the time you spend with your kids: date, start time, stop time, where you were, what you did; staple or scotch tape any evidence (such as movie ticket stubs or McDonald's receipts), get contact info from cooperative witnesses -- but NEVER let the kids see or hear ANY of this . . . remember: Mom WILL find out anything the kids know, and it is essential to the success of the plan that she not know you are documenting the extra time with evidence.

7. DON'T talk to the kids about any changes to the parenting plan; the courts don't like this. If your kids tell you they would like more time with you, it's OK to say, "I'd like that, too," but leave it there and change the subject.

8. Behave yourself -- no domestic violence drama, no problems with alcohol of drugs, no arrests, no getting fired from your job. Be a model citizen.

9. Work on improving your parenting skills by reading books and magazines, going to parenting classes, getting your CPR qualifications (including infant CPR if your youngest is still a baby), etc. Document all of this! Show the court you are a concerned parent with a high level of parenting skills who is always trying to be an even better dad.

10. Do re-marry, and choose a woman who is a great mom herself. Think of a custody fight as a Presidential elections (two candidates are running for Primary Residential Parent; one will win); your new wife is your Vice Presidential running mate, and she can make the difference in a close case.

11. Save some money every month in a special bank account to help finance your Major Mod.

12. Get your lawyer involved early in the process. Ask your lawyer how many Major Mods he or she has won for dads.

 

 

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If your time with your child(ren) is extremely limited -- such as no contact at all (what we family law attorneys call a "get off the planet" parenting plan) -- you are in a situation a lot like a father whose parental rights are being terminated in a dependency proceeding; see my "dependency" page to read how you can turn things around and start spending more time with your child(ren).

 

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EDIT

 

"camel-nosing"

 

incremental approach -- a long-run strategy, typically to (re-)establish a meaningful relationship between Dad and kid that hasn't started because Dad had all his contact with kid cut off by court, for good reason. Dad cleans up act, respectfully asks court for some contact -- this goes well -- Dad waits a decent interval, comes back to court, asks for a little more, etc.